Mommy Bon

I have spent a lot of time in the past few weeks thinking of what it means to be a mom. Some women 'feel like a mom' before the baby is even born, even as soon as they find out they are pregnant. This was not me. Others feel it when they get that mysterious 'rush of love' immediately when their babies are born. This was not me either. There are so many notions out there of what should happen - you should be consumed with love and motherly instinct the first moment you meet your baby, you should exclusively breastfeed (no bottles) your baby for at least six months, you should be able to calm your baby, etc, and this 'makes you a good mom'. When Justin was born, I knew immediately that he was our son and I loved him, but the clouds did not part and sun did not rain upon us. When I couldn't feed him without stressing him out and without him crying, I felt like crap - not like a mom. When he got gas cramps and I couldn't calm him for the life of me, even though I tried everything I knew of - I felt even more like crap, and certainly not like more of a mom. Sadly, I remember telling Mitchell many times in the first month of Justin's life that I 'just don't feel like a mom'. And not feeling like a mom, made me feel like even less of a mom.

I kept waiting for the feeling to hit me, but it didn't, and I continued to feel like a caretaker, not like a mom, because after all, I didn't fit the description. The first time we gave Justin a little formula, after I had tried to feed him and he had unlatched five times and was screaming, I actually cried - and I'm NOT a crier. (Seriously, in my ninth month of pregnancy I could've watched Marley and Me with dry eyes). I felt BAD for feeding my son formula, even though it did not result in a breakdown. And I continued to feel bad until one day when I was watching Mitchell feed Justin my milk in a bottle, and I realized that he was just fine, that everything was okay, that our son was happy - that he could eat, be burped, and go back to play without crying. I have also come to realize that there, sometimes, is just nothing I, or we, can do to help Justin's gas cramps, and that the poor guy will just cry. I can still hold him and try to help reduce the pain he feels, and I now know that it has nothing to do with the type of mother I am.

I wish I could say that I felt like a mom from the beginning, but I can't. It is hard when you hear women talk about the immediate bond they felt with their baby upon his or her birth. It took me entirely too long to realize that being a mom is different for every woman. I read the blog of a woman who had similar feelings and it just clicked. For me, being a mom is about making Justin the happiest that I can. If that means feeding him from a bottle, then I'll feed him from a bottle. If that means trying to simply stay calm when he cries, I'll hold him and have Baby Daddy take over for awhile if it gets to be too much. And that feeling that some women get when they first meet their baby? I now get it everytime Justin smiles or coos at me, and everytime I give him a bath (which is still just a mom thing), and everytime he falls asleep on me, and everytime I see these two together:

. . . because they make me happy and I certainly hope I do the same for them. And because even though I may not have felt like a mom to myself, I was always mom to Justin.

(and Izzers, of course)

Alright, enough sappiness - more pictures of my handsome boy :)

Justin's first day in jeans. Baby Daddy dressed Justin this morning and dropped him off at daycare so I could sleep in, and when I picked him up (early because I didn't want to go home without him) I found him in jeans. I have to say, he is darling, isn't he? And yes, I do tell Mitchell that he's just setting him up for disappointment trying to make him a Cubbies fan, but what can I do? (It could be worse - he could be a Cardinals fan ;) )

Justin loves his play mat, and can stare at the lights or himself for quite awhile. He is kind of a vain baby, but who can blame him? Baby Daddy jokes that I am going to give him an ego problem. Yes, we got the Einstein onesie. And guess what? I don't think it is going to fit for much longer :/ It is a 3-6 month size, but like many of the pieces I pulled out of storage this weekend, it doesn't look like it will last very long.

Our newest Hawkeye outfit! He still hasn't missed a game :) Please notice the multiple chins :)